4/19/18 - First Post? The one about relationships and love and a cold, dead heart?
I've decided to start trying to write something daily. Realistically, we're talking more like 4-5 days a week, tops. Why? I don't know, it's just cathartic I suppose. There's no set topic at this point - Today I'm writing about my dating life (or lack thereof) because I had a conversation about it and now it's in my head. But I could just as easily write about a book, movie, or game I've been enjoying. Maybe a short story or two. Who knows?
So anyway, dating and relationships.
The weird thing is, I thought a lot of people who said dating is different after divorce (or the end of any long relationship) were just having issues moving on - And to an extent, I still think that's true. Though in my experience even after moving on, it really is a different experience. It changes the approach in my experience, in both good and bad ways.
So I would say, as a kind estimate to myself, that I was ready to pursue relationships roughly 6 months after separating. If I were to give a more conservative estimate, you'd be looking at something to the tune of a year later - Which I think isn't terrible - I mean I dated in that time, but it was more a method of easing myself into it and coming to terms with things. Which worked, by the way.
BUT my approach to dating has still changed overall. I'm much more cautious about entering relationships, for starters. And that's not due to distrust, or some lingering bitterness - It's more like "I know what I want/need in a partner, and I don't want to continue a relationship with someone I know is incompatible with that". Which I think is actually a healthier approach overall - In the past, I either adapted to my partner, or just allowed things that bothered me to pass by in the thoughts that things would either change, or that the good parts justified it. And the thing is, I know that no one is perfect - And I don't expect to find anyone perfect, I still believe that you need to accept some things as a balance with the others (and your partner should have the same approach - It's not healthy to try and change someone to fit your vision of who they should be). So there have been people who I've gone on dates with, or been talking to, whom I've opted to stop pursuing because of that. And I mean.. I don't regret those choices. I felt bad about them at first, but that's because I was never on the "giving" end of a rejection.
I mean, to be honest, I was never... really... popular? With girls. At least not in the sense that they actually wanted a relationship with me, but there was a lot of flirting, which isn't the same, so.. yeah.
Anyway. That's been a new experience for me. And the weird thing is, there were times (a time, really. One.) where I turned down being with someone for their benefit moreso than mine. They were very open with me about what they were looking for, and how they felt I would fit their needs in a partner. I know they would have fit my needs. BUT I also knew that they were looking at an idealized version of me from the time we had spent together - I have a lot of quirks and issues that I knew were not in line with their needs. And that's not me trying to be down on myself, that's me being honest with myself, and just like I don't want to continue a relationship with someone who isn't a good fit for my wants and needs, I don't want someone else to be in the position of being with me if I'm not a good fit for them. Which works out well, because now they're in a relationship with someone who is a much better match.
Moving along - It's also changed my overall view of love. At least romantic love. That may actually just be because I've gotten older and (hopefully) more mature. I previously thought loving someone was wanting to spend your life with them, grow old with them, and share great memories of a happy life. Loving someone was dealing with the bad times because the good made them all worthwhile. It was standing by someone and supporting them no matter what, because in the end you wanted to be beside them.
I still think part of that is true, but it's been supplanted by what I feel is a more important definition. Loving someone is wanting them to be happy, whether that happiness is with you or not. I feel like the first definition is, honestly, kind of selfish. And everyone IS a bit selfish, and that's perfectly ok. But being able to love someone and want nothing from them, just wanting happiness for them, is such a weirdly deep feeling.
So now I'm more cautious. I know what I want and need, what I'm looking for. I know the feeling, and I think I'm much better now than I ever was at separating "crush" from "mild attraction", "strong romantic interest", and "love". Which are all good things, right?
I think it's only fair to point out that I'm not bitter towards my ex. Or any of my exes, really. I've learned good lessons from all of my past serious relationships (All..I dunno, 3? 3 sounds like the right number). I've also made great friends from people I have gone on dates with, but for whatever reason never pursued something further - And it's great to be able to talk with someone about the frustrations that come with dating, online or otherwise - Especially since most of my friends are now married or in long term relationships. It's odd being the single one, but then, I've been single most of my life so I'm kind of used to it.
At the end of the day, though, the weirdest thing is being able to recognize when you grow to love someone and just want their happiness. I don't like the idea of referring to it as "Loving someone more than you love yourself", even if it is kind of fitting, because I don't think that necessarily ties into romantic love, and honestly as long as I can remember there have been people in my life that I love more than myself. I mean that could partly be due to a low self image, but I'm also pretty awesome, so that's not the best measuring stick. No, I don't really think there's any sure way to measure it. There's not a love barometer that you can just hold out and watch the needle rise. I think when you know, you just... know. It may take awhile to realize it, but once you do it stays with you.
Last thing - I don't believe in love at first sight. I really don't, I think the whole notion is exceptionally romantic and silly. I think you come to love a person after getting to know them, getting to really see them - Not just the Hollywood Ideal Version of them that may be presented, but the REAL person. Their faults, their flaws, their insecurities, their quirks. It's the flaws that make a person truly beautiful, and if you don't really know a person, how can you love them? No, I think love comes after spending some time with a person. You just have a moment where you catch them out of your peripheral vision, maybe they're laughing at something they heard, and everything else just melts away for a moment. All you hear is that laugh, and everything around them just flows into this dulled out mess, because that person is so vibrant and stands out from the world around. And your inner voice goes "....Fuck. Fuck shit fuck dammit nooooo". Or I suppose "Man, I really love this person" if you don't have a cold, dead heart. Either or.
So anyway, dating and relationships.
The weird thing is, I thought a lot of people who said dating is different after divorce (or the end of any long relationship) were just having issues moving on - And to an extent, I still think that's true. Though in my experience even after moving on, it really is a different experience. It changes the approach in my experience, in both good and bad ways.
So I would say, as a kind estimate to myself, that I was ready to pursue relationships roughly 6 months after separating. If I were to give a more conservative estimate, you'd be looking at something to the tune of a year later - Which I think isn't terrible - I mean I dated in that time, but it was more a method of easing myself into it and coming to terms with things. Which worked, by the way.
BUT my approach to dating has still changed overall. I'm much more cautious about entering relationships, for starters. And that's not due to distrust, or some lingering bitterness - It's more like "I know what I want/need in a partner, and I don't want to continue a relationship with someone I know is incompatible with that". Which I think is actually a healthier approach overall - In the past, I either adapted to my partner, or just allowed things that bothered me to pass by in the thoughts that things would either change, or that the good parts justified it. And the thing is, I know that no one is perfect - And I don't expect to find anyone perfect, I still believe that you need to accept some things as a balance with the others (and your partner should have the same approach - It's not healthy to try and change someone to fit your vision of who they should be). So there have been people who I've gone on dates with, or been talking to, whom I've opted to stop pursuing because of that. And I mean.. I don't regret those choices. I felt bad about them at first, but that's because I was never on the "giving" end of a rejection.
I mean, to be honest, I was never... really... popular? With girls. At least not in the sense that they actually wanted a relationship with me, but there was a lot of flirting, which isn't the same, so.. yeah.
Anyway. That's been a new experience for me. And the weird thing is, there were times (a time, really. One.) where I turned down being with someone for their benefit moreso than mine. They were very open with me about what they were looking for, and how they felt I would fit their needs in a partner. I know they would have fit my needs. BUT I also knew that they were looking at an idealized version of me from the time we had spent together - I have a lot of quirks and issues that I knew were not in line with their needs. And that's not me trying to be down on myself, that's me being honest with myself, and just like I don't want to continue a relationship with someone who isn't a good fit for my wants and needs, I don't want someone else to be in the position of being with me if I'm not a good fit for them. Which works out well, because now they're in a relationship with someone who is a much better match.
Moving along - It's also changed my overall view of love. At least romantic love. That may actually just be because I've gotten older and (hopefully) more mature. I previously thought loving someone was wanting to spend your life with them, grow old with them, and share great memories of a happy life. Loving someone was dealing with the bad times because the good made them all worthwhile. It was standing by someone and supporting them no matter what, because in the end you wanted to be beside them.
I still think part of that is true, but it's been supplanted by what I feel is a more important definition. Loving someone is wanting them to be happy, whether that happiness is with you or not. I feel like the first definition is, honestly, kind of selfish. And everyone IS a bit selfish, and that's perfectly ok. But being able to love someone and want nothing from them, just wanting happiness for them, is such a weirdly deep feeling.
So now I'm more cautious. I know what I want and need, what I'm looking for. I know the feeling, and I think I'm much better now than I ever was at separating "crush" from "mild attraction", "strong romantic interest", and "love". Which are all good things, right?
I think it's only fair to point out that I'm not bitter towards my ex. Or any of my exes, really. I've learned good lessons from all of my past serious relationships (All..I dunno, 3? 3 sounds like the right number). I've also made great friends from people I have gone on dates with, but for whatever reason never pursued something further - And it's great to be able to talk with someone about the frustrations that come with dating, online or otherwise - Especially since most of my friends are now married or in long term relationships. It's odd being the single one, but then, I've been single most of my life so I'm kind of used to it.
At the end of the day, though, the weirdest thing is being able to recognize when you grow to love someone and just want their happiness. I don't like the idea of referring to it as "Loving someone more than you love yourself", even if it is kind of fitting, because I don't think that necessarily ties into romantic love, and honestly as long as I can remember there have been people in my life that I love more than myself. I mean that could partly be due to a low self image, but I'm also pretty awesome, so that's not the best measuring stick. No, I don't really think there's any sure way to measure it. There's not a love barometer that you can just hold out and watch the needle rise. I think when you know, you just... know. It may take awhile to realize it, but once you do it stays with you.
Last thing - I don't believe in love at first sight. I really don't, I think the whole notion is exceptionally romantic and silly. I think you come to love a person after getting to know them, getting to really see them - Not just the Hollywood Ideal Version of them that may be presented, but the REAL person. Their faults, their flaws, their insecurities, their quirks. It's the flaws that make a person truly beautiful, and if you don't really know a person, how can you love them? No, I think love comes after spending some time with a person. You just have a moment where you catch them out of your peripheral vision, maybe they're laughing at something they heard, and everything else just melts away for a moment. All you hear is that laugh, and everything around them just flows into this dulled out mess, because that person is so vibrant and stands out from the world around. And your inner voice goes "....Fuck. Fuck shit fuck dammit nooooo". Or I suppose "Man, I really love this person" if you don't have a cold, dead heart. Either or.
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