4/26/18 - On quiet reflection
I've been listening to the same piano song for over a half hour while I just... think. Well, not really think, I suppose. I realize that I do this a lot - Say something, and then counter with "Well, not really x". I do it a lot more in text than I do out loud, because I generally catch myself.
Anyway - It's the piano version of Aeris' Theme from Final Fantasy VII, which I wasn't a fan of when I first played the game (20. Years. Ago.) but it just... relaxes me, now. It helps me to clear my head. Which is why I said thinking, but not really thinking - More just clearing out my head, because the past few days have been chaotic in my headspace and my heartspace, and I just needed to hit pause. I actually took tomorrow off, not to see Avengers (which is what the assumption was, and is totally valid), but just to take some time by myself and clear out the cobwebs. Knock the rust off.
So I did commissioned artwork this week. I never really do that, because I don't like being told what to draw and not having the option to change my mind. I mean, I'm being paid for the work, so I kind of need to finish it. So I did 5 pieces total - 4 paid, and one unpaid for a friend. I had fun with the unpaid - I got to relax and just be artistic, and it turned out really well. The other 4 were just exceptionally bland and my clients were.. ugh. I don't even charge a lot for the work, really - way less than most other artists would, and I'd like to think they get what they pay for. But man, some people just need to learn to draw themselves if they want to be that pick about every single line.
I've had two months straight now of arguing with people at work. I mean legitimately going back and forth about what we are doing versus what we should be doing, based on laws, approved guidelines, etc. Really I'm not supposed to have those arguments, but I (and my team) were thrust into this product that we didn't know, and their management was very "Eh, we just do what we feel like"... which is counter to how our organization operates and a major risk, so... arguing. A lot of positive changes are coming from it, but it's just exhausting. My normal 40 hour week is dedicated to one process - Now they added another and doubled it, kept the amount of time the same, and it's just going back and forth between two worlds all day every day. It's challenging, which is nice, but it's exhausting to constantly have to push and push and argue for things that should already be in practice.
So I have a friend who is, basically, the ideal match for me. We have a lot in common and very similar personalities, and we go well together. We have just enough differences to keep things interesting, and I feel unusually comfortable when I'm talking to her. It just feels like... home. And over time some feels happened there, at least on my part. For awhile I thought on hers, but I realize now that was just me misinterpreting things. She's got a guy now, so on the one hand I'm happy for her, but of course it's also a bit disheartening, and I think that's totally normal. It's rare for me to feel so just... natural? with another person. It's a very special level of comfort for me that very few people my age can evoke. Or people of any age, really. The stepson gives me that level of comfort, but not all kids do (not even all kids in my family). My ex did, which really just made everything more painful in the end, with lots of "but what if" thoughts about how I could have been different to make things work. But if I'm honest, this is the first time I've just felt such a resonance with someone who also gives me that feeling of peace. So yeah, that tanked my mood a little bit, but I'm still happy for her.
I think that's enough for today. That'll do.
Anyway - It's the piano version of Aeris' Theme from Final Fantasy VII, which I wasn't a fan of when I first played the game (20. Years. Ago.) but it just... relaxes me, now. It helps me to clear my head. Which is why I said thinking, but not really thinking - More just clearing out my head, because the past few days have been chaotic in my headspace and my heartspace, and I just needed to hit pause. I actually took tomorrow off, not to see Avengers (which is what the assumption was, and is totally valid), but just to take some time by myself and clear out the cobwebs. Knock the rust off.
So I did commissioned artwork this week. I never really do that, because I don't like being told what to draw and not having the option to change my mind. I mean, I'm being paid for the work, so I kind of need to finish it. So I did 5 pieces total - 4 paid, and one unpaid for a friend. I had fun with the unpaid - I got to relax and just be artistic, and it turned out really well. The other 4 were just exceptionally bland and my clients were.. ugh. I don't even charge a lot for the work, really - way less than most other artists would, and I'd like to think they get what they pay for. But man, some people just need to learn to draw themselves if they want to be that pick about every single line.
I've had two months straight now of arguing with people at work. I mean legitimately going back and forth about what we are doing versus what we should be doing, based on laws, approved guidelines, etc. Really I'm not supposed to have those arguments, but I (and my team) were thrust into this product that we didn't know, and their management was very "Eh, we just do what we feel like"... which is counter to how our organization operates and a major risk, so... arguing. A lot of positive changes are coming from it, but it's just exhausting. My normal 40 hour week is dedicated to one process - Now they added another and doubled it, kept the amount of time the same, and it's just going back and forth between two worlds all day every day. It's challenging, which is nice, but it's exhausting to constantly have to push and push and argue for things that should already be in practice.
So I have a friend who is, basically, the ideal match for me. We have a lot in common and very similar personalities, and we go well together. We have just enough differences to keep things interesting, and I feel unusually comfortable when I'm talking to her. It just feels like... home. And over time some feels happened there, at least on my part. For awhile I thought on hers, but I realize now that was just me misinterpreting things. She's got a guy now, so on the one hand I'm happy for her, but of course it's also a bit disheartening, and I think that's totally normal. It's rare for me to feel so just... natural? with another person. It's a very special level of comfort for me that very few people my age can evoke. Or people of any age, really. The stepson gives me that level of comfort, but not all kids do (not even all kids in my family). My ex did, which really just made everything more painful in the end, with lots of "but what if" thoughts about how I could have been different to make things work. But if I'm honest, this is the first time I've just felt such a resonance with someone who also gives me that feeling of peace. So yeah, that tanked my mood a little bit, but I'm still happy for her.
I think that's enough for today. That'll do.
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