4/20/18 - The one about setting goals
I was never really great about setting goals in the early part of my life (Up until... Say 28). I would set this grand, lofty goal, and then... just... stop. And that's not to say I never accomplished anything, I mean I could set professional goals and reach them, I'm talking moreso about self improvement goals.
Like, for instance, writing something every day. Drawing something every day. Working out every day. Dieting.
Dieting especially. And working out, really.
Anyway, once I separated, I had a much greater motivation to set goals for personal improvement and stick to them. Initially, it was out of spite - I got a LOT of negative feedback from my ex, and I took a lot of it to heart and eventually made the conscious decision to either confront that feedback and rise above it, or dwell on it and feel awful. So I changed. I started eating much healthier - Salads, cut out soda, no candy, virtually no fast food. Which was really hard at first, but after I rounded the first month? Much easier.
The one that I did the best with, though, was working out. Which is probably because it was less motivated by spite, and moreso out of wanting to really love myself. And, if I'm being honest, wanting to impress someone I suppose. Maybe impress is the wrong word? I think impress is the wrong word. I wasn't trying to get approval, or "attaboy!"s, or anything like that. It was more that I was told "You could really do this, and I really believe you can", and I wanted to show them that they were right. Kind of justify that belief, even if it was just them trying to be nice and make me smile during a rough time. Which, I mean... it did make me feel better about myself.
My ex, when I first started losing weight (I was a bit over 300 when we started dating.. a few months later, I was down to 250) told me that I had a "Captain America build". Not like, I was built - really just my actual body shape. Slender hips, broad shoulders, like a Dorito. So when I started working out, I set a goal to get Captain America Built - Or at least an approximation of that where I was confident in my own skin. By the time we split, I was steadily at 250-255 - Still plenty of weight to lose.
So I was out for drinks one night with a friend of mine, one of my few single friends, and we were talking about random things. Eventually we hit a topic of wanting to get in better shape, and she mentioned something similar about my body type, and that if I applied myself I could get to that level of built - Jokingly tied to the "You'd be able to pick up shitty bar girls! They'd hang on you, and you could be like 'But what can you tell me about Ender (Wiggin, of Ender's Game)?' and they'd be like 'Ender? Teehee, like my BUTT?'". Sooo the next day I picked up some free weights, and started to exercise every day. I would go for a walk or jog after work for a few miles, and then when I was getting ready for bed I would do 30-45 minutes of free weight workouts. I'm down to 230-235 now, but I've also put on a fair amount of muscle, so I'm pretty ok with that - I still have a ways to go, but the important thing is more that I feel better about me. I set a goal, and I held to it for over a year (I did stop working out as frequently a few months ago due to some joint pains, but now I'm back at it).
That's also why I'm making it a point to write every day - To remind myself of progress I've made, and to allow myself more areas to improve. Drawing every day is just about the easiest goal I could set, because I love to draw anyway. Writing is more of a challenge than working out, so it's a good progression.
And again, if I'm honest - Part of my motivation to improve is because there's part of me that wants to feel "good enough" for someone. It's not the primary motivation, and it certainly wasn't always a goal. It is now, and even as I write it I don't feel like that's the appropriate way to describe it. It's not that I don't feel good enough, or like I deserve it. It's more like I want to be the best version of myself, for me and for whoever I end up with. And for any kids involved (My stepson, who will always be family to me and loved as though he were my own, as well as any kids I may have someday) I absolutely want to be the best version of myself. I want to be happy and healthy, so I can be around and watch them grow up and have families of their own. To me that's the best goal I could ever set for myself. It's one I intend to meet.
Like, for instance, writing something every day. Drawing something every day. Working out every day. Dieting.
Dieting especially. And working out, really.
Anyway, once I separated, I had a much greater motivation to set goals for personal improvement and stick to them. Initially, it was out of spite - I got a LOT of negative feedback from my ex, and I took a lot of it to heart and eventually made the conscious decision to either confront that feedback and rise above it, or dwell on it and feel awful. So I changed. I started eating much healthier - Salads, cut out soda, no candy, virtually no fast food. Which was really hard at first, but after I rounded the first month? Much easier.
The one that I did the best with, though, was working out. Which is probably because it was less motivated by spite, and moreso out of wanting to really love myself. And, if I'm being honest, wanting to impress someone I suppose. Maybe impress is the wrong word? I think impress is the wrong word. I wasn't trying to get approval, or "attaboy!"s, or anything like that. It was more that I was told "You could really do this, and I really believe you can", and I wanted to show them that they were right. Kind of justify that belief, even if it was just them trying to be nice and make me smile during a rough time. Which, I mean... it did make me feel better about myself.
My ex, when I first started losing weight (I was a bit over 300 when we started dating.. a few months later, I was down to 250) told me that I had a "Captain America build". Not like, I was built - really just my actual body shape. Slender hips, broad shoulders, like a Dorito. So when I started working out, I set a goal to get Captain America Built - Or at least an approximation of that where I was confident in my own skin. By the time we split, I was steadily at 250-255 - Still plenty of weight to lose.
So I was out for drinks one night with a friend of mine, one of my few single friends, and we were talking about random things. Eventually we hit a topic of wanting to get in better shape, and she mentioned something similar about my body type, and that if I applied myself I could get to that level of built - Jokingly tied to the "You'd be able to pick up shitty bar girls! They'd hang on you, and you could be like 'But what can you tell me about Ender (Wiggin, of Ender's Game)?' and they'd be like 'Ender? Teehee, like my BUTT?'". Sooo the next day I picked up some free weights, and started to exercise every day. I would go for a walk or jog after work for a few miles, and then when I was getting ready for bed I would do 30-45 minutes of free weight workouts. I'm down to 230-235 now, but I've also put on a fair amount of muscle, so I'm pretty ok with that - I still have a ways to go, but the important thing is more that I feel better about me. I set a goal, and I held to it for over a year (I did stop working out as frequently a few months ago due to some joint pains, but now I'm back at it).
That's also why I'm making it a point to write every day - To remind myself of progress I've made, and to allow myself more areas to improve. Drawing every day is just about the easiest goal I could set, because I love to draw anyway. Writing is more of a challenge than working out, so it's a good progression.
And again, if I'm honest - Part of my motivation to improve is because there's part of me that wants to feel "good enough" for someone. It's not the primary motivation, and it certainly wasn't always a goal. It is now, and even as I write it I don't feel like that's the appropriate way to describe it. It's not that I don't feel good enough, or like I deserve it. It's more like I want to be the best version of myself, for me and for whoever I end up with. And for any kids involved (My stepson, who will always be family to me and loved as though he were my own, as well as any kids I may have someday) I absolutely want to be the best version of myself. I want to be happy and healthy, so I can be around and watch them grow up and have families of their own. To me that's the best goal I could ever set for myself. It's one I intend to meet.
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