4/25/18 - Well that didn't last long. Let's try this again, why I stay single

So daily lasted two days.  Then 5 off.  Let's circle back to square one and talk about why I'm single.

I don't like saying "I don't want to date"... I mean, I've said it a lot since getting divorced, but the more I think about it the more I don't really think it fits.  Here's the thing, if I tell someone "I don't want to date", it comes across as "I will not date".  That's not really the case, I think it's more appropriate to say "I don't NEED to date".. "I don't NEED a relationship"

The truth is, I would date.  Part of me does want a relationship, a person to come home to.  Someone to talk to about my day, my worries, my hopes and dreams.  I want that, but I don't need it.  I don't need another person to be there and listen to me.  I don't need a person to rest in my arms and tell me about their hopes and dreams, how their day went.  I don't, at the end of the day, need a person to grow old with.  It's something I want, though.  But only with the right person.

So in general - I don't want to date.  Because I haven't found the person I want to date.  Wait, no... That's not entirely true either.

See, I've found people I would date over the past year. Not many - I've gone on dates with a lot more people than I would actually have a relationship with.  Maybe 15-20 first dates?  I guess it depends on what you consider a date.  Sometimes I didn't think I was on a date, but the other person did, so I count those.  Once I thought it was a date, but they didn't agree, so I don't count that one.  I was pretty clear, I think, that I was asking them on a date, but I guess I wasn't.

Anyway, out of those there was only one I would have pursued a relationship with, but she wasn't interested for a few reasons.  No hard feelings, and we became pretty good friends.  She ended up getting back with her ex, and getting engaged, so good for her.  There is another person I would date, but hey, she's not interested either, and that's ok.  I hope she finds all the best in life.

The hard part for me is finding a person with whom I share an attraction and interests.  And compatible personalities.  Which is hard, you know?  And then that person being able to put up with me, that's rough.  I think I'm a pretty ok person, but I'm not without my faults and quirks - No one is.

I had someone tell me the other day that they think I'm afraid of rejection and commitment.  That's really not the case - I'm actually pretty ok with rejection.  I'm not afraid of committing either, but I'm cautious about finding the right person.  No, I'm more afraid of finding the right person and not telling them.  Spending my life without the "right person" because I was too afraid to just say "Hey, I like you."  Or "Hey, I love you".  Probably more the first than the second - I feel like love is a strong word, and then the other person may take it as "friend love", and things just feel eh.

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